The Deep End
by Emmeebee
Summary: Five days passed before Laura had the chance to talk to Clint in private.


A/N: Written for the HetSwap Exchange 2019.

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Five days passed before Laura had the chance to talk to Clint in private. In that time, he only left their children's side to do things with the remaining Avengers.

At first, she didn't think much of it; he was busy, and it made sense for him to cling to their children. Losing them for five years would have been devastating.

But as time went on, it became clear he was avoiding her. She finally resorted to arranging for the kids to spend the evening at her parents' house so there wouldn't be any distractions.

Rock music played softly from the radio as he walked through the door. One thing she'd noticed since she returned was that he feared silence, as if he were waiting for the world to be thrown off-kilter again.

'Are the kids upstairs?' Clint asked, walking over to kiss her cheek. He was holding a shopping bag in each hand. 'I thought we could make pizza together.'

'They're with my parents.' Her parents had also survived the snap and were over the moon at having their grandchildren back again. 'They're going to drop them off after dinner, but we can make it for lunch tomorrow.'

'Alright.' His shoulders stiff, he started putting the groceries away.

'They'll be okay,' she reassured him, helping him unpack.

'I know.' The words were short and clipped.

His mind might know it, but it was clear his heart didn't.

Laura waited until the groceries were away before adding, 'Besides, it's about time we talk.'

Judging from his suddenly guarded expression, she was right that he'd been hoping to avoid this conversation.

But why?

'Do you still drink beer?' She was mostly joking, but she hadn't seen him drink alcohol since she returned. Who knew what had changed in that time?

'No,' Clint said. Then: 'But I'll have one.'

She pulled two bottles out of the fridge, cracked them open and handed him one. Then, leaning against the kitchen counter, she asked, 'What happened over the last five years?'

He took a sip of the drink, his face contorting as if he were no longer used to the taste. 'I'm not sure what there is to say. Everything fell apart. All anyone could focus on was surviving.'

'I don't mean for the world.' Laura had already heard the reports. News stations had put together media packages to help the affected catch up on what they'd missed. While there were holes in the coverage, it seemed to cover the main events. 'I mean for you.'

Clint shook his head.

'You know you can tell me anything.' That was the foundation of their marriage. The nature of his work meant that some topics were restricted, but he had always been as open as he was able.

'There are some things you don't want to hear.'

Laura took a drink and almost spat it back out. It tasted flat and flavourless. Frowning, she checked the best-before date.

Almost five years ago.

'You weren't kidding,' she murmured. She tipped it out and held out her hand for his bottle as well, but he shook his head and took another drink.

Whatever he was hiding must be bad. Trying her best to keep her voice steady, she said, 'Five years is a long time to be alone. I understand if… Is there someone else?'

It would explain why, after his initial rush of joy had faded, he had been so warm with their children but so guarded around her. How confusing it must be.

The idea hurt, but she didn't blame him. He'd had no way of knowing whether she would return.

'No!' His gaze snapped up to meet hers. 'Of course not. I've spent the last five years _grieving_.'

Relief rushed through her at his blatant sincerity. 'Then whatever it is that you don't want to tell me, we can get through it.'

'Can we? I went off the deep end, Laura. I killed more people than I cared to count.'

'Before or after everyone disappeared?' she asked pointedly. 'I made peace with what your job involved before I married you.'

'It wasn't the same.'

Leaving the kitchen, Laura went to the couch and settled back into a throw pillow, tossing the other over to the side that had always been his. 'Then explain it to me.'

Clint hesitated but followed, sitting down next to her. 'I couldn't make sense of the idea that so many innocents had died while violent criminals survived. So I decided to settle the score.'

'You took them out,' she said dispassionately.

He nodded. 'I was merciless. What I did… I saw it as justice, but in the eyes of my friends, I was as savage a criminal as the people I killed.'

'How did it start?'

'There was an armed robbery that turned lethal.'

For the next few hours, they talked through what he'd seen and done over the past few years, stopping only to make pasta for dinner.

By the time Clint reached the present day, his body language was much more relaxed. He'd long since abandoned the remainder of the beer, confessing that he hadn't drunk much since starting his rampage as he'd had to keep his senses sharp.

Laura finally understood why he'd been keeping her at arm's length over the past few days.

Guilt. Guilt, and the fear that she wouldn't be able to look at him the same way once she knew what he'd done.

'It's time to hang up my bow,' he said. 'After everything…'

'Don't tell Lila that; it will break her heart.'

He stared at her for a moment, then let out a surprised laugh. 'Oh, I've missed you.'

Before she could reply, a door creaked open, bringing with it the sound of laughter and racing footsteps.

'Nathaniel, don't run in the house!' her father's voice called out.

'We'll continue this later?' Laura asked Clint.

He leant over and kissed her before standing just in time to catch their youngest son as he came barrelling into the room. Sweeping him up into his arms, he spun Nate, who burst out laughing as his father held him upside down.

'What did Poppy say about running inside?' he asked.

Watching, Laura smiled.

Clint had changed; there was a hardness to him now that hadn't been there before. But to his core, he was still the man she loved.

It would take time for him to heal and her to get used to the new him, but they would get there.

As a family.


End file.
